We all have a story

I have shared this story before, however, those of us involved with Wings of Hope thought it would be great for all of you to know our "stories."  Why?  Because we ALL have a story...a story about how life has changed us...a story about how we are made whole...and story of what makes us who we are today.  

Here is my story and this is why Wings of Hope has great meaning to me...

My story starts long ago.  I was young.  First grade maybe (I don't remember exactly how old).  I had a normal day like any other, and something happened that changed my life.  I was sexually abused.  I can close my eyes right now and see this happening to me.  I knew this was not something that should be happening to me, but I was scared...and so, I didn't tell...anyone...for 20-some years.

...It can only go up from here...

I continued to live my life.  I tried to forget about that day and not think about it...and I did for days, sometimes weeks, and even months (if I was lucky) at a time.  I played.  I laughed.  Then some tough times came for my parents.  My dad had an affair and they separated and we moved...then a year later, they got back together and we moved again. 

...It can only go up from here...

By this time I was a 7th grader.  I remember being so scared when I walked through the doors of the NL-S schools because I was now "the new girl" for the second year in a row.  I had a lot of anxiety about fitting in and worrying that I wouldn't have any friends.  That wasn't the case.  I made friends very easily.  I laughed.  I had fun.  I laughed.

...It can only go up from here...

I wasn't feeling that laughter on the inside.  I was not happy on the inside.  I put a smile on my face though.  I thought that if I smiled on the outside, It would make me smile on the inside too.  That wasn't the case.  Why wasn't I happy?  My family was back together.  I had friends.  I went to church.  I was on the varsity track team in 7th grade.  My parents had good jobs and we were not struggling financially.  None of that made me happy because that is not what I was seeing or feeling.  I wanted more friends.  I wanted to be skinnier.  I wanted to be prettier.  I wanted to run faster and jump farther.  I remember saying to myself (and have said this to myself many times in my lifetime) "If I do _______" or "If I have _______, then I will be happy."  Wrong!  It got to the point where I just didn't want to be sad and I didn't want to deal with this pain that I had inside.  It was pain that I didn't know where it came from...it was just there.  It was an empty, lonely, pain.  I couldn't imagine that anyone could understand what I was feeling or that anyone else ever felt the pain that I was feeling.  So, I didn't tell anyone how bad I was hurting. 

...It can only go up from here...

One night before going to bed, I went to the bathroom, gathered the pill bottles and started swallowing them.  I was not thinking of anyone or anything.  I wasn't even thinking about dying, I just wanted the pain to be gone.  I went to my bed, laid down, and closed my eyes.  During the night I woke up.  I could hardly move.  I tried to sit up as best I could and turned to get out of bed.  I put my feet down on the floor and went to stand up, but fell down because I was so weak.  I laid there on the floor of my bedroom the rest of the night.  I cried.  I cried because I was scared.  I cried because I was sad.  I cried because I needed to cry.  I woke up in the morning and did not tell my parents what happened the night before.  I remember being thankful I was alive and thankful I was able to stand up and walk...because then I didn't think anyone would have to know.  I thought I had hit rock bottom...I would realize later in my life, that this was no where near rock bottom. 

...It can only go up from here...

My parents found out.  Of course they were worried and scared and got me the first available therapy appointment.  I went to therapy...but I just said what I thought they wanted to hear because I didn't want to be there.  I took a prescription medication for depression.  A short while later I stopped going to therapy and taking my medications because "I didn't need it anymore."  The years went on...I always felt a strong urge and need for perfection because I was the "Pastor's Kid."  So, when I didn't get an "A", I didn't get first in track, I wasn't as skinny as I thought I should be etc...I was disappointed in myself.  I felt sad, alone, and carried a lot of pain.  In high school, I began experiementing with alcohol, chemicals, and sex. 

...It can only go up from here...

I became pregnant at 17.  I will never forget the day I walked down the hallway at school and everyone stood by their lockers and whispered and stared as I walked by.  I even remember hearing the words, "Oh my gosh!  Isn't her dad a pastor?"  I wanted to crawl inside a hole and die.  Not only had I disappointed my parents and myself, I felt as though I had disapointed others in the community.  I remember being anxious for prom and graduation my senior year because I felt like everyone was going to remember me as "the girl that was pregnant."  I had my son my first year in college and my parents and family were very supportive. 

...It can only go up from here...

I met the love of my life and Dylan (my son) and I moved to Moorhead so we could be with Wayne.  I finished my bachelor's degree there.  We moved back to Sunburg and raised our family.  Between my 2nd and 3rd son, I struggled with depression some more, and more so...struggling with my self image.  I had an eating disorder.  I ran at least once, if not twice a day.  Most meals that I ate, I threw up.  I got pregnant with my 3rd son and I knew for his health, I couldn't do that anymore.  So I stopped.  And I didn't tell anyone. 

...It can only go up from here...

After I had my 3rd son, I had pretty severe post-partum depression.  I remember crying a lot as I tried to hold myself together for my three boys.  Then, it got to be months later, and I still felt this way.  I knew I had depression and I knew it had come back in full swing, but I wasn't going to deal with it.  It got to the point where nothing anyone could say or do would make me happy.  I was expecting the world around me to make me happy.  I had a husband.  I had three beautiful and healthy boys.  I had a house.  I had a good job.  I had it all...but I couldn't find happiness.  I felt so alone...so empty...so sad all the time.  I would go to work, come home and slap some supper on the table, lay down on the couch, and then be sleeping by 9pm.  There was so much time I missed out on with my family because I wasn't ready to "deal" with my baggage.  My marriage started to crumble down around me. 

...It can only go up from here...

I knew at this time I needed to see a counselor.  I knew what I was feeling was not good...for me, for my boys, for my husband.  I needed help and I was ready for help.  I also went to my medical doctor at this time because I knew I would need to be back on my depression medications.  I started my medications again and I went to therapy weekly.  I really began to learn and understand that depression is a disease.  I began to realize that I need to make myself happy before I can expect happiness from anyone and anywhere else.  I realized that life was worth getting up off the couch and living each day.  I was learning to deal with my self esteem and the eating disorder that I had.  I was dealing with my parent's divorce and working through the pain that caused me.  And I was praying and involving God in my healing...however, there was one thing that I was still keeping in...the sexual abuse.

...It can only go up from here...

I felt the best I had in a long, long, time.  Our health insurance changed and our new insurance no longer covered mental health services (ie. counseling).  So, I stopped going to counseling.  My husband and I struggled more in our marriage and we basically fell apart.  I remember the day very clear...only a year ago...that I tipped my prescription medication bottle up to my mouth again.  I wasn't thinking about my family, my boys, my friends, or about dying.  I just didn't want to deal with all the pain that I new was going to be ahead of me.  My husband rushed me to the hospital.  I remember being very scared, very sad, very hurt, and very empty.  As I lay in the hospital room that night and the following day, I knew my life had to change.  I knew I had to start living for myself and for my boys.  I made it through this two times now, so He must really want me to be alive...therefore, I knew I had to start living. 

...It can only go up from here...

It was at this time that I opened up about my sexual abuse twenty some years earlier.  I knew that if I wanted to heal, I needed to heal all of me.  I went back to counseling and really worked on healing my old wounds.  My husband and I separated and I moved.  This was not at all easy, but gave me the chance to really find out who Angie is.  I don't really think I ever lived my life for me.  I was living it for everyone else around me.  I began to smile.  I began to laugh.  I will never forget the day I was playing outside with my boys and Isaac said, "Mom, you're really a lot of fun!"  I cried and was so sad that I had never heard this from my kids before...but at the same time, happy because I was finally ready to change my life. 

...It can only go up from here...

I have definitely had struggles through this past year.  I have been filled with more emotions that I ever knew anyone could ever have.  I cried more than I thought that anyone could ever cry.  I was trying to work through a lifetime of issues.  I got to the point where I stopped counseling again and I stopped my medications because taking that medication everyday was a constant reminder that "something was wrong" with me.  A couple months ago is when I think I hit rock bottom.  I felt so sad and so alone and so empty.  I sat on my bathroom floor and cried and cried and cried.  I cried until I had nothing left to cry out.  I cried because I was scared of the future.  I cried because I upset and mad about my past.  I cried because I needed to cry.  However, this time instead of reaching for a pill bottle, I folded my hands and prayed, "God, I need you now!"  It was at that moment that I felt an embrace and a sense of relief come over me.

...It can only go up from here...

 I knew I had just hit rock bottom and I knew that I could only go up from here.  Back to therapy and back on my medications I went.  This time, I thanked God for people like my counselor and for the medications that are here to help me along.  I have come to accept that depression is a part of my life.  I know that I will be taking that little blue pill for the rest of my life.  I know that I will have to "check in" with my counselor here and there to make sure I am still on track.

...It can only go up from here...

The biggest thing that I have finally learned at 29 years old is that there is no day that is not worth living for.  I know there will be some dark days ahead, but I know they will never be too dark.  There are people willing and ready to reach out and grab your hand, you just have to be willing to give them your hand and let your happiness in!

"Each of us has only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another." ...I am only here because I found the courage, wisdom, and strength to reach out and embrace the wings of those around me as we carry each other on this journey of life...together we can spread our wings...and we can ALL fly!

-Angie