Monday, August 8, 2011

...out of turn...out of the ordinary.

i am supposed to post on fridays.
today is tuesday.
i am ahead of myself
....for once.
that NEVER happens.
someone mark this down as a modern miracle.

at any rate.

i wanted to share something that i realized.
just today.
well...maybe i have known this all along, but it is still worthy of mentioning.

here is the simple facts:

i wake up EVERY morning.
with the same thoughts.
what have i done WRONG. 
what can i be sorry for.
what should i feel guilty about.
what needs to be fixed.

it either is something with my husband.
or my kids.
or work.
my family.
my past.
my present.
my future.
my friends.

AKA: guilt.

 my first thought is something.
something to DO BETTER.
something to use AGAINST myself.
something to IMPROVE.

i think back to my mistakes.
my regrets.
my "do-overs"
isn't that dumb?
do you DO THAT?

for awhile - i tried to stop this cycle.
instead i would wake up with thoughts of gratitude.
what can i be thankful for.
it was an added effort for me....but i did it.
i would lay in bed and think of ALL the of the "beautiful" in my life.
everything that was going RIGHT.
not WRONG.

today i realized something.
it is not one or the other.
it is not GUILT or GRATITUDE.
it is a mixture that makes it all worth it.

without feeling the guilt for the things that have taken us off course...
we can't feel the delight in the gratitude for being where we are.

we are meant to get off course.
we are meant to second guess.
we are meant to say we are sorry.
it is alright - and in the same token
these things all create the opportunity to be grateful for what is going right in our lives.
even the smallest things.

so tomorrow....i might try something different.
i will run through all the things that need improving.
i will be vulnerable to the parts of me that are so far from delightful.
because those things are to be celebrated JUST AS MUCH as the things that are "oh so perfect".
cut yourself some slack.
love all the imperfections.

recently my dad told me that "every failure is a success".
wise.  man.

failure gives us the opportunity to look at something through an entirely different light.
or maybe more than an "opportunity"  -it FORCES us to do so.

so fail.
feel guilty.
but only for a moment.

but don't get stuck there.
move on.
know better.
DO better.
stop the blame.
take responsibility.....
forgive, forget.

life is short.
let guilt and gratitude be your teacher.
not your excuse.


one more thought for the day:
"...the opinions that OTHERS have of you will only matter to the very degree that they can influence your own opinion of yourself" 
- amir zoghi.
hold true.
guilt, gratitude or is YOUR journey.
always has been, always will be.

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