Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Touchy Feely


Quite some time ago, a loved one referred to me as “thin-skinned”.  And ironically (or perhaps not), this statement threw me off-guard as I found myself asking, “Really?  Am I thin-skinned?"  I have always considered the opposite was true. 

Curious of the actual definition, I looked it up and read that “thin skinned” is an adjective used to describe someone as “easily offended by criticism and rebuffs”.  For good measure, I looked up “thick-skinned”, which was defined as “not easily hurt by insult; callous, unfeeling, hardhearted; and largely unaffected by others.”

After reading these definitions, I concluded that most of us fall somewhere in the middle of this spectrum, striking a healthy balance of sensitivity while also having the ability to let things go.  And while some of us may veer toward one end of the spectrum or the other, most of us would say that we are not entirely thin- or thick-skinned.  And personally, I think that is good.  Who wants to be considered callous, unfeeling, and insensitive?  Conversely, who wants to take everything personally?  No one.  Most of us would like to be sensitive and empathic enough to be emotionally available to those that we care about, even if that means we are vulnerable at times.  Similarly, most of us would also like to have a strong enough sense of self to know which comments or actions to take to heart, and those that we should not internalize.

Yet, while most of us would agree with this optimal balance of sensitivity and emotional resilience, we often forget this as we interact with other people.  Why are we told to toughen up when something has gotten us down?  Why do we pretend that something has not hurt us if it really has? Why do some of us act as if we cannot be touched by the words and deeds of others?  Conversely, why do some of us seem to take everything personally?  Why do some of us tend to invalidate our own feelings, or feel victimized by every slight? 

Of course, the answers to these questions depend on personal differences.  We all experience life differently and therefore have different interpretations of our interactions with other people.  What we all seem to have in common though, is that we are all sensitive beings.  We are all capable of being hurt, whether we admit it or not, and we all care about the feelings and experiences of others. 

Today, I encourage you to examine your feelings, particularly those that relate to the people surrounding you.  I hope that you are able to have the softness of heart to be emotionally available, and the strength and the courage it takes to be vulnerable. Too, I hope that you are self-assured and secure enough to be true to yourself, and to know when to take things personally while also being conscious of what you internalize.  Know that it is okay to feel what you are feeling, and that it is equally important to be mindful of how you express and act upon your emotions.  Remind yourself that you are human, as are your loved ones, and that we are all worthy of love, acceptance, consideration and grace. 

-El

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Unseen Others

When I was in grad school, I was introduced to the concept of “unseen others” by one of my professors.  According my professor’s theory, we all have them.  They are the people in the world that we choose not to see because our reaction to them makes us uncomfortable.   

I would like you to take a moment and consider who your unseen others are.   Is it someone of a different religion, race or ethnicity, sexuality, or socioeconomic status? Perhaps it is someone of a specific profession, age bracket, range of ability, or political belief? Or maybe there are certain appearances, interests, or personality traits that come to your mind.

Regardless of who these unseen others are or what it is about them that makes us uncomfortable, we all seem to have such reactions to a certain group of people.  Most often, we avoid our unseen others because we are uncertain of how to relate to them, or we have made assumptions, passed judgments, or developed biases or prejudices against the type of person we believe them to be. 

I find this to be such an interesting phenomenon.  How curious it is that we have a hard time seeing people as real simply because they are different from us.  How unfortunate it is that we short change people because we have unfairly made up our minds about them.  What a disservice it is to everyone when we cannot look deeper into one another simply because we are unsure of how to relate to who we think they are.  And isn’t it interesting that we tend to validate certain people based on their likeness to our own self-image? 

If you have been able to identify your unseen others, I challenge you to consider what it is about you and them that makes them so difficult for you to see.  Invite your unseen others to hold up a mirror to you, and take a long look at yourself in the reflection that you see.  Ask yourself questions about what you see.  Too, ask yourself if you are willing to challenge your beliefs about yourself and the people around you.  Are you willing to learn from someone that you have always thought has nothing to teach you? Are you willing to allow them to touch you? Are you willing to reach out and touch them? Are you willing to venture out of your comfort zone and expand your horizons?

Although it can be difficult to deconstruct our personal biases, it is rather easy to approach people with curiosity, rather than judgment. To be kind, respectful, and accepting.   It may be easier than we think to have a positive influence and be positively influenced ourselves, even when we least suspect.  Just think about a time when you were surprised by someone.  How good it feels to be treated as a whole person worthy of understanding and acceptance.

Take a moment today and think about what a wonderful thing it is see the goodness in one another.  See that we are so much more connected by our similarities, our vulnerabilities, and our very human nature than we realize.  Celebrate and embrace our differences as a source of richness, rather than a point of division.  Give all people a chance, no matter who or what we assume them to be.

-El



Unseen Others

When I was in grad school, I was introduced to the concept of “unseen others” by one of my professors.  According my professor’s theory, we all have them.  They are the people in the world that we choose not to see because our reaction to them makes us uncomfortable.   

I would like you to take a moment and consider who your unseen others are.   Is it someone of a different religion, race or ethnicity, sexuality, or socioeconomic status? Perhaps it is someone of a specific profession, age bracket, range of ability, or political belief? Or maybe there are certain appearances, interests, or personality traits that come to your mind.

Regardless of who these unseen others are or what it is about them that makes us uncomfortable, we all seem to have such reactions to a certain group of people.  Most often, we avoid our unseen others because we are uncertain of how to relate to them, or we have made assumptions, passed judgments, or developed biases or prejudices against the type of person we believe them to be. 

I find this to be such an interesting phenomenon.  How curious it is that we have a hard time seeing people as real simply because they are different from us.  How unfortunate it is that we short change people because we have unfairly made up our minds about them.  What a disservice it is to everyone when we cannot look deeper into one another simply because we are unsure of how to relate to who we think they are.  And isn’t it interesting that we tend to validate certain people based on their likeness to our own self-image? 

If you have been able to identify your unseen others, I challenge you to consider what it is about you and them that makes them so difficult for you to see.  Invite your unseen others to hold up a mirror to you, and take a long look at yourself in the reflection that you see.  Ask yourself questions about what you see.  Too, ask yourself if you are willing to challenge your beliefs about yourself and the people around you.  Are you willing to learn from someone that you have always thought has nothing to teach you? Are you willing to allow them to touch you? Are you willing to reach out and touch them? Are you willing to venture out of your comfort zone and expand your horizons?

Although it can be difficult to deconstruct our personal biases, it is rather easy to approach people with curiosity, rather than judgment. To be kind, respectful, and accepting.   It may be easier than we think to have a positive influence and be positively influenced ourselves, even when we least suspect.  Just think about a time when you were surprised by someone.  How good it feels to be treated as a whole person worthy of understanding and acceptance.

Take a moment today and think about what a wonderful thing it is see the goodness in one another.  See that we are so much more connected by our similarities, our vulnerabilities, and our very human nature than we realize.  Celebrate and embrace our differences as a source of richness, rather than a point of division.  Give all people a chance, no matter who or what we assume them to be.

-El



Friday, April 13, 2012

Rain

I love it. I love that moment just before it reaches me, where I get to stop and forget about my world. Forget about the life that seems to be leading me. About the worries and chaos and demands and stresses that have a tendency to culminate before a meltdown. I love being able to STOP.

To BREATHE.

To notice that note of peace on the horizon, right before I feel it on my skin.

It's an amazing feeling, when you take the time to notice your senses kicking in. First, you see the clouds. You feel the breeze. You hear the birds and grass and the air getting excited for what's to come. The winds pick up, and your body tenses in anticipation of the uncertain whirl of nature that's about to happen. You prepare. You batten down the hatches.

You BRACE YOURSELF.

And then, the eerie quiet.

You adjust.

You relax.

You BREATHE, and the smell is so beautiful, all of your senses seem to want it at once. To touch, smell, see, hear, taste anything they can, just to get a shred of the beautiful peace.

And then the rain arrives.

Whether it's a light sprinkle, a solid sheet, or a thunderstorm, it arrives. And your senses fight in a new way. Everything is more intense, more tuned in, and no part of you wants to leave this place. You're fighting to stay in this place of uncertainty, because in some part of you, it feels RIGHT.

What you do in this moment depends on YOU. Embrace, run from, or fight the feeling of LIFE. Of being truly and amazingly ALIVE.

YOU DECIDE.

With this fresh rain, you've been given a shred of the knowledge, that after this, it WILL get better.

That you have a chance to start over again.

And again.

And again.

That the peace will always come, if you choose to EMBRACE it.

And BREATHE again.

~Anna

Monday, April 9, 2012

Three Words

When I got married, an old friend whom is affectionately referred to as Pastor Bob delivered the homily during the wedding ceremony.  As he addressed my husband and me, the message he gave us was quite simple, yet memorable and applicable to everyday life.  His message revolved around three short phrases of three simple words that loved ones should say to each other every day. 

The first phrase he told us to say to one another is, “I love you”.  For many of us, it seems, this phrase comes with relative ease.  We say it to everyone we love when we feel affectionate, as part of our farewells, and quite often, we say it as much for ourselves as we do for those that we love.  The words “I love you” expose our truest selves to others and welcomes them into our hearts.  The words “I love you” are important, as they express some of the deepest emotions that we may ever know.  Love is such a fundamental part of life, and it is the cornerstone of everything good and rewarding in this life.  And by expressing love for someone, we allow it to flow freely while making it known that we have invested our hearts in them. 

The second phrase Pastor Bob told us to say each day is, "I thank you".  Again, “thank you” is a relatively easy thing to say.  And while we often say thank you as a formality, the “thank you’s” that matter most are those that are an intentional and meaningful expression of gratitude and appreciation.  These heartfelt messages are important amongst loved ones because they remind us that we have not been taken for granted and that we are cherished by those closest to us.   

The third phrase that Pastor Bob instructed us to say is "I am sorry."  As I have written in the past, “I’m sorry” can be a hard thing to say.  It can be hard to admit fault, to give in, and to face the pain that we may have caused in others.  Yet even while a genuine apology can be difficult, it is important because it acknowledges the feelings of our loved ones, it offers humility, and shows that we are sensitive to the experience of others. 

Not long after we were married, my husband and I added an additional phrase to the original list: "I forgive you”.  Much like apologies, words of forgiveness can be difficult to say.  Sometimes, it does not occur to us to even mutter these words as we assume that forgiveness has been implied by our actions.  Yet then again, forgiveness in and of itself can be difficult because it may feel risky.  When we forgive, we may feel that we are “giving in”, negating our feelings, or even putting ourselves in a position to be hurt again.  Yet forgiveness is such an important part of our relationships because it signifies love, trust, compassion, and forward movement.   

Today, I encourage you to reflect on the four phases listed above.  Consider who you might say them to, and think about who you may need to hear them from, whether that is your significant other, your child, your friend, or yourself.  Take a moment to reflect on your feelings in these relationships, and the, go ahead and tell them how you feel.   
-El

Friday, April 6, 2012

My nature is so full of weakness.

One year ago this Easter I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior.

Before this I would have said my faith in God was true. I believed he existed and never questioned he created us and the entire world.

It wasn't until four months before last Easter did I discover just how broken I and my relationship with God was.

When my brother Adam took his own life, my world was shattered to a million pieces.
Satin rushed in and had his way when I wasn't looking or bothering to look. I was blinded by the busyness of self-involvement.

Little did Satin know what God could turn my guilt into.

Christ saves the lost and for me I had to be completely destroyed before I could see just how lost I am and to understand my need for a savior.

I lived by my successes and didn't see them as blessings. My achievements were just that MINE. It was not until I found myself lost could I see how much the sin of pride was poisoning me.

Last summer I ran away or so I thought, pride once again thinking I was in control. What it really was, was God putting me in a timeout.

During this intervention with God I responded from all directions. I argued and refused to admit I did something wrong. I put the blame on others and even blamed Adam. Then when I found the wrong within me I for a time hung on to how horrible I was and beat myself up emotionally.

But God never left me. I read the word from morning to night and prayed for clarity on how I was to carry on and what that was to look like.

God healed my heart of guilt. I now not only believe God loves me but I can feel it.

I try to live daily for Him and that clarity I so needed to see for my future has come. It's in the form of helping others with their grief and I’m sharing the Grace, the very expensive Grace of the Cross.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave his only Son.

Pray of the week: Lord, your son has suffered so much, shed so much blood. I was born with so many faults and my nature is so full of weakness, and yet your son Jesus has died on the cross for me. I know your grace has the power to cleanse me of my many sins and to make me more like your Son. Thank you for your goodness and love for me. I ask you, Father, to watch over us all - always. I pray this in Jesus’ name. ~Amen.



Happy Easter! ..☆ . ƸӜƷ¸.☆. ~Sara



Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Instincts

One of the things that I love most about my work as a coach and a doula is the undeniable interconnection between psychology and biology.  I love learning about how our bodies and our minds interact and how we may work with this system to use it to our advantage. 

We as humans, no matter how evolved we become, are animals.  We were created to adapt, evolve, and thrive.  So much of our existence revolves around drives that are so basic to every animal in the world:  food and water, shelter and safety, learning and development, companionship and belonging.  Of course, we were also created to have a life that is more advanced than other animals, but really, when broken down, that is what we are.  We are primal beings, with primal needs, motivations, and desires. 

We are instinctual beings, just like everyone else on this magnificent earth. 

Think about that for just a moment.  Think about the things that we just seem to know how to do.  The things that we learn as we go through life, whether they are taught to us or not.  The things that just come naturally to us as human beings.  And while tuning into some of these intrinsic messages may be difficult at times, the bottom line, however, is the same:  we are instinctual beings.

So, if this is correct and we are such instinctual beings that move toward that which feels good, and away from that causes stress, why do we have such trouble trusting our instincts?  Why do we often struggle to decide if we should listen to what our hearts are telling us, or if we are better off heeding the advice of our heads?  Why do some of us seem to lack intuition or that gut-feeling that seems to inherently guide others?

It is because our instincts are so often over-ruled by our intellect.  So often, we are encouraged to trust our heads instead of our hearts.  We give greater merit to logic and reason because they offer better evidence or proof than any other alternative.  We tend to overlook the power and insight of emotion and intuition because these feelings are seen as less objective and therefore less concrete.  We live in a society that undeniably favors the science of logic and discounts the science of emotions.  Because of this, we tend to forget that there is a connection between the two.  That each preference, tendency, or approach to life plays an equally important role for us as human beings. We forget that each is just as valuable, useful, and important as the other.  That they are interdependent to one another and integral to our well-being.

This Monday, practice a bit of mindfulness and listen to your whole self, giving merit to the messages that you receive.   Recognize the thoughts and ideas that dance through your head.  Acknowledge your feelings and consider them valid.  Tune in to your body and assess your current state.  Take heed of all these messages and integrate them into one.  You might just be surprised with what you learn about yourself.   
-El