Thursday, December 1, 2011

Losing Adam has not only...

G.R.I.E.F- over whelming hurt, pain, sorrow, anguish, a true meaning of heartache.

Grieving a loss- yearning for someone that once was. A longing for something that was anticipated.

I have for the past 11 months been sharing what Adam did to put forward what it feels like for me. To plead with anyone that is thinking about taking their own life to comprehend the pain it causes. The new heartache that I'm now discovering is it's not only the feelings that I'm left with but what it's been doing to me and those around me. It is a painful truth that I need to express! Knowing my brother... he knew this was going to hurt and for some he thought "good, let them hurt" for the others he felt bad but that we'd all get over it in time. WRONG ADAM...we will never get over it, moving on has been forced and our lives will always have holes.

Losing Adam has not only left me feeling the emotions of grief. The sadness, the guilt and the anger that comes and goes in waves but I'm also feeling the absents of my brother. This has left me with feeling misplaced myself. It was normal that I had embraced a false truth. Normal that I had thought Adam would always be in my life and I in his. Natural that the picture I had painted of my future included Adam, always. Now that life has been completely turned upside down, I've been forced to see that the picture I painted is incomplete and without him the rest feels unbalanced. Without him the other pieces look and feel unstable. This is uncomfortable for me yes, but how very uncomfortable for the others still here with me. I can see the pain, anger and uneasiness that is being caused to those around me, those that are still in this painting I described above. How terrible it must feel for the "other pieces" still remaining. Where and how do they now fit? Not only am I giving off the feeling of no longer being whole but to hear that our future picture is distressing that must be. Adam's decision had left me feeling insecure. A feeling my family and friends were not use to me having and a feeling I refused to except.

I have found hope through my suffering. This is my testimony ♥...I had faith, I had my belief in the Lord's promise. But it's at the deepest of my suffering that I met Jesus and began my relationship with the Holy Spirit.

With the help of some wonderful people, I've turned my troubles and sorrows to the Lord and I trust Jesus in helping the rest of my family. See I put a lot of the blame for Adam on myself and then felt it was my job to take away the blame everyone else is feeling. I still have days that the guilt comes rushing back, this is always going to be a scar for me. But I know that I LOVED Adam and all that LOVE could do had been DONE!

I have also learned through my grief that we are not put here to do what it is we want to do with our lives but to do what God has planned for our lives. Planning for our future is good... preparation for eternity is essential. ‎... there is so much more than this world.

Romans 15:13... May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

For me Hope was produced by my endurance through my suffering. With God in my heart, Jesus by my side and the Holy Spirit as my guide I'm now very active in helping others. I can and have the opportunity to help others going through some of the same things I have and for this blessing I am very thankful. See I use to say, a lot, that God only gives you what you can handle. Now it's my belief that we can handle what we have been given with God.

Bitterness is a toxin that binds us to the past. Do you find yourself today with a “wad of paper” called guilt, bitterness, grief or resentment? Listen to the lyrics of the song “Amazing Grace” which talks about letting go of guilt, bitterness and grief:
AMAZING GRACE how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found, Was blind but now I see.
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, And grace my fears relieved; How precious did that grace appear The hour I first believed!
Thro’ many dangers toils and snares, I have already come; ‘Tis grace hath bro’t me safe thus far And grace will lead me home.
When we’ve been there ten thousand years, Bright shining as the sun, We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise Than when we first begun. (“Amazing Grace” by John Newton, 1725-1807)

Our prayer this week: Lord, when our emotions surprise and confuse us, may we rest in Your constant presence of grace, mercy and peace in abundance. We pray this in Jesus’ name ~Amen.


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