Thursday, September 8, 2011

a. deep. felt happy. elusive, painful, worth it.

shared this on my personal blog - thought i would share it here as well.

a shift back to happy....but deeper.

simple words. right?

you would think it would be a simple place to find in our lives. 
that place of "happiness".
i guess that depends...on so many different things.
so many.
it depends on our story.
our experiences.
our hurts and our joys.
and the distance between the two.

personally....just like you - 
i want to be happy. 
and every moment in between.
if given the choice, i would choose happy.
hands down - every single time. 
we all would.

all your "self help" people will tell you to do just that.
simply to "choose happiness".
your choice.  your decision.
i 50% agree with that philosophy.
i know the choice is ours.
i get that.
i love that.

typically - 
even if a big white stinkin' elephant is stepping right on my little toe - i smile.
why not, right?

however, i have found in simply CHOOSING happiness, in CHOOSING to paste that smile on your face, in CHOOSING to stitch your broken heart with 5 stitches when it requires 30 stitches - you are doing yourself an injustice.  
you can't fake happy.
'cause in the end...."happy" will start to ache, tear you apart, simply hurt.
happy will become just a word.

ya know?
why would we RUIN a perfectly good thing by being fake?
why fake happy? 

so...pretty much - 
i am over it.
this "JUST BE HAPPY" stuff. 
the truth is never all that easy when it comes to heart ache.
facing all the "ouch" - when all you want to do is forget- it hurts.
let's lay it on the line.
it would be easier walking away from all the pain.
it would be easier convincing yourself that you are strong, brave and "happy".
but sometimes...your "happy" is worth getting through, feeling and standing up for.

2 years ago. 

my heart began to shatter.
one "incident" after another.
months and months and MONTHS of "stuff" 
taken advantage of. lied to. lead on. all these scenarios. one after another. 
it broke. this open heart of mine. BIG TIME. 
into a million and one pieces.
i was wide open. trusting.  stumbling.
...and just a little stupid, i guess. 
i won't go into detail.
after all the heartache.
"happy" simply hurt.
it wasn't real anymore.

as the hurt continues to heal - 
i wrote this to a friend - regarding what i have learned....
my heart goes out to ANYONE who is struggling with hurt so deep and still having to put on a smile. i never imagined when i heard the word heartbreak that it would one day become so literal in MY OWN life. i FELT my heart break SO MUCH in the last two years for so many different reasons. 
- however i can say this, 
when i am HAPPY - i am HAPPY because it has to get
 by all the hurt first.
i guess my happiness is rooted "deeper" after all the hurt.
a deeper place to reach means it is simply felt on a much deeper level.

i wrote that email and i realized it was a blog post in the making.  
so you have pain.  so your heart has been broken once, or twice, or 3 million times. 
each time happiness sinks a little deeper.
you can't prevent that.
it lies UNDER all the heartache.
buries itself.
becomes a wee bit elusive.

it becomes a little harder to just "choose" happy.
but YOUR happiness is still there just the same.   ready to take the journey back to your reality.
be grateful for that.
because when "happy" surfaces it comes from within a place in your soul SO KNOW like you KNOW like you KNOW - it is real.
nothing worth having OR FEELING is easy.
so embrace the heart ache my lovely friends. 
heartache = heartFELT happy.
it doesn't come easy, and you wouldn't WANT it to anyway.
"happy" is not for the faint of heart.
it is for those that HAVE a heart that is willing to break in order to be stitched up that much stronger.

elusive as happy may be, know it is there.
....and when you feel it...take a deep breath.
YOU have earned it.
no matter what.


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