I have often read that we, as live-ers of life, should have no regrets. That we should, in some sense of the word, forget about the finer details of our past and instead be grateful for the opportunities and the gifts that have been bestowed upon us through the process of living. That we should embrace all that we are, for better or for worse, because of what we have been through and the choices we have made.

And to a certain degree, I agree with this. I agree that it behooves us to spend too much time in our past, whether we are fretting over things that we have done, or worrying about that which we have left undone. It does us no good to berate ourselves for our mistakes or relive days gone by, wishing that we had done things differently. After all, what does this accomplish? Precious little, indeed.

Even so, I have to admit that I do have regrets. I have done things that I am not proud of and over-looked things that I should have been more mindful about. I have been reckless at times, selfish, and even hurtful. As I look back on the twenty-nine years of my life, I see with unmistakable clarity that I have consciously and unconsciously made poor choices. Choices that have been foolish, short-sighted, and negatively impactful. And, these things are uncomfortable to think about. They are difficult to speak of. And they are nothing short of humbling.

Yet, even as I think about the regrets that I do have, and I reflect on where I was at in my life when I made those choices, I cannot help but to ask, “Is it really so bad to admit that we have regrets? Is it so bad to look back on the decisions that we have made and wish that we had done things differently? Is it so bad to look behind ourselves every now and then and realize that we could have done better? ” I must say that I think not.

I say that I do not think it is so bad to have regrets because regrets really are a part of life. Regrets, in essence, are nothing short of lessons that we have learned as we journey through life. To feel regretful is not to say that we are bad. On the contrary, to feel regretful is to say that we now see things differently than we had before or to acknowledge that we are no longer where we once were. It is to recognize that something was to be learned, and that we have changed or evolved because of our experiences. It is to agree that hindsight is indeed twenty-twenty.

So, when you find yourself tempted to deny ever having regrets, rethink what that word really means to you. Remember that it is a rare soul that truly has no regrets, and that there is no shame in using the feeling of regret to propel us forward as we learn from our misgivings.

-El

Look on the Bright Side

I once read that some of the most valuable lessons we learn in life are taught to us by difficult people.    You know the type of people I am referring to.  People that seem to embody cynicism, judgment, and pessimism.  Those that take delight in the misfortune of others or seem satisfied by having a complaint.  The people that expect the worst from the world and seem committed to their unhappiness.  

Being around negativity, even for a short moment, can be frustrating and emotionally taxing.  Yet unfortunately, it is unlikely that we can avoid negative people all together.  We are bound to have a run-in with a disheartening individual at some time or another, so it is best that we are prepared to respond in such a way that protects us from the negativity while still allowing us to learn something positive from the experience. 

So, having said that, what is the best way to respond?  Is it best that we ignore them and hope that they go away?  Should we respond in kind and give them an attitude adjustment?  Do we shower them in sunshine and encourage them to see life from a more elevated perspective?  And, on the same token, how do we protect ourselves from being drawn in by the pull of their negative energy?  How do we prevent an unsettling encounter from ruining our mood? 

To answer these questions, consider the following checklist, presented by author and counselor, Julie Hoyle. 

1. What does this person need?

Is there a chance that positive input is being sought? If the answer is yes, share something enlightening.  If the answer is no, keep the interaction brief.

2. Are they acting as a mirror?

The answer is a resounding “yes” if we have been sucked in by their negativity. When there is a pull, there is a resonance, and we are being shown where we are resisting the flow of life. When this is the case, breathe in deeply and accept what is.

3. Remember, this too will pass.

While we can offer compassion and point to other alternatives, we are not responsible for others. Suffering, to a point, is a choice. Be a part of the solution rather than adding to the illusion. Create space for an opening of awareness to happen.

4. Avoidance is O.K.

Protect and safeguard the sanctity of your internal state, and surround yourself with people who nurture you. On other occasions, remain upbeat and transform the negative into a positive.  Do it for long enough and it works wonders. If the other person cannot turn you on to their negativity, they may eventually give up.

5. Love really is the answer.

Everything always, always comes down to love. If we love and respect ourselves, we do not give ourselves away cheaply, and we do not stoop to negativity.  Instead, we stand our ground, offering others a place to rise up to. Always listen with love, and offer kindness to everyone, even if they don’t seem to “deserve” it at the time. 

-El 

"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” Lao Tzu

While doing a bit of research, I came across the following experiment. Humor me for a moment, and give it a go:

While sitting at your desk, or kitchen table, or wherever you may be, lift your right foot off the floor. With your foot in the air and your toes pointed away from your body, begin to draw clockwise circles in the air. As your body gets the hang of this, raise your right hand in to the air and draw the number “6” with your index finger.

Before you even attempt to give this experiment a try, I will tell you what will happen: Your foot will change its direction. And I will even be so bold as to say that there is not one thing that you can do about it.

Having said that, give it a go and take note of what happens.

…If you are anything like me, your foot changed its direction as your hand moved counter-clockwise, completing the bottom half of the number “6”. And if you’re anything like me, you tried again and again in an effort to prove me wrong. I tried so many times, in fact, that I gave myself the giggles as I realized that the only thing I was successful in was either proving myself wrong or creating a sloppy letter “Z” out of my nearly perfect and original clockwise circle. My resistance was indeed futile.

This little experiment also gave me a laugh because I found it to be so true to life in a much bigger context. Sometimes, despite our most honest efforts and our best laid plans, life changes directions on us. It does an about-face, turning on its heal and leading us down a path that we had never thought that we would go. When this happens, it seems that we have two choices. We may dig in our heals and bury our head in the sand, refusing to see or accept that life is not turning out as we had once imagined. Or, we may adapt, go with the flow, and adjust our sails to the winds of change.

Of course, the latter of the two options is the most attractive. But in my opinion, it is much easier said than done. Because as I have said many times since I began writing this column, change is not always easy. And in fact, some changes can be anything but easy. In my opinion, there is no such thing as simply changing direction when you have had your heart set on another destination.

And yet, this happens. So when you find yourself twisting and turning about midair, and changing directions despite your original intentions, do not lose heart. Remember that some changes may really be for the better, even if we do not yet understand the how or the why. Remember that some things we encounter in life are of the divine, or are beyond our control in one way or another. And remember that even when it is within your control, it is okay to have a change of heart of a change of mind. Always know that you will get to where you need to be.

-El

Be Positive

This year’s Lent season began on February 13, 2013. Traditionally, many of us honor Lent by making a sacrifice of some sort, abstaining from something, fasting, or removing something that we will miss during the 46 days leading up to Easter. Ideally, the commitments that we make in honor of Lent are made with self-improvement in mind, as we look within ourselves and discover what we may do to better ourselves and our lives as a whole.

As I was doing some reading regarding spiritually and Lent, I came across a very interesting article that suggested an alternative approach to this time of year. The article, written by a certain Reverend James Martin, suggested that those who acknowledge the Lenten season should abstain from abstinence this year and instead celebrate a positive Lent. By this, he means, do something!

More specifically, followers are encouraged to practice a “positive” Lent rather than a “negative” one. Rather than emphasizing sacrifice and abstinence, the Reverend suggests that we take the time to add something positive into our lives, do something good. As he states with simplicity, celebrate a positive Lent this year by taking the time to “bother to love”. Instead of giving up behaviors or habits that you are trying to kick anyway, why not focus on doing something positive for yourself, or perhaps more importantly, for others? Call that friend that has been on your mind. Reach out to someone in need. Donate your time to something you feel passionate about. Engage in a random act of kindness. Spend the day with your children or a loved one. Allow yourself some much-needed quiet-time. Just do something that is good. Bother to show your love.

Reverend James quotes Jesus in the Gospel, saying “It is mercy I desire, not sacrifice.” So whether you are Christian or not, why not take the words of Jesus literally and bother to share the love that has filled your heart. Show compassion and mercy to those you encounter. Pay attention to your loved ones, and shower them with lovingkindness. Be kind to yourself, by embracing your own inherent goodness, and encourage others to do the same.

Whether you are open to the idea of a Positive Lent, you prefer a more traditional approach to the season, or you prefer not to celebrate this time of year at all, do consider taking a more “positive” approach to this time in your life. Consider the words of the Dalai Lama, “Kindness is my religion” and practice giving of yourself, rather than imposing limitations upon yourself. Take the opportunity that is this Lenten season, and invest your energies in doing something positive. Be kind. Do good. Bother to show your love.

-El

Easy Doesn't Do It

My sister recently sent me an article entitled, “Struggle for Smarts”. The author opened his article with a story about a fourth grade classroom in Japan. In this story, the teacher was teaching his class how to draw three-dimensional cubes. As he observed the class, the author noticed that one of the boys was struggling with the concept and appeared unable to draw the cube correctly. The teacher noticed this as well and invited the youngster to draw the cube on the board in front of the class. Doing as he was instructed, the boy went to the front of the class, and drew the cube to the best of his ability, but he still could not complete the cube correctly. After his first try, the teacher asked the class, “How does that look?” The class confirmed that it was drawn incorrectly, so he tried again. Every few minutes, the teacher would ask the class if he had gotten it right, and each time, the students would look up from their work and shake their heads “no”. As the hour went on, and the boy had still not completed the cube correctly, the author realized that he had begun to perspire as he watched the boy anxiously and worried that he would become discouraged and begin to cry.

But, to his surprise, he did not. He diligently persisted, drawing his cube incorrectly each time. Try after try, he continued to draw his cube until, , he had gotten it right. And when he had finally drawn the cube with mastery, the class broke into applause and he was able to return to his seat with pride.

Like the author of this article, many of us become uncomfortable when we imagine this young boy struggling in front of his peers in such a way. We think, “Why would the teacher do that to him, knowing that he was unable to draw the cube correctly? That poor boy! I feel so badly for him!” Yet, while this boy was struggling to master the task of drawing of the cube, it does not appear that he was struggling emotionally. So why is it that we assume that he was? And why is it that we ourselves shift uncomfortably and feel badly for this boy who struggled to learn something new? It seems that many of us tend to view struggle as an indicator that we, or someone else, is lacking or “less than” in some important way. That we are not as intelligent, not as capable, not as resilient as we “should be”. That because we do not have it figured out yet, we are missing a skill or trait that we should otherwise possess.

Yet, if we were to adopt a perspective that is similar to the Japanese classroom, we would realize that struggle is an inherent and predictable part of life. It is part of learning, part of mastering a skill, part of figuring things out and finding our way. As this classroom knows, to struggle is not a sign of weakness. Rather, to struggle is to be presented with yet another opportunity to overcome challenge and to learn. To struggle is an opportunity to be proud of ourselves and satisfied with our efforts as we work through something difficult and overcome an obstacle.

-El

The Raft

As the New Year approaches, many of us will be reflecting on the days gone by of 2012, recalling both times that have warmed our hearts and hard lessons learned.  Likewise, many of us will be looking ahead to 2013, welcoming the upcoming year with open arms and anticipating the great fortunate of another year of life. 

So, as you transition into this New Year, whether you are looking behind to 2012 or ahead into 2013, please consider the following Buddhist parable: 

A young man, who has been traveling for many days, has become trapped on one side of the river.  On this side of the river, there is great danger and uncertainty, and on the other, there is safety.  Of course, to continue on his journey, he must leave this dangerous side of the river and brave the water in hopes of reaching the safety of the other side.  However, as he surveys the land, he realizes that there is no ferry to bring him across the river, and no bridge spanning the water.  As he takes stock of his own belongings, he is reminded that he has only the clothes on his back, the shoes on his feet, and a small number of survival tools in his knapsack.  After sifting through his knapsack, however, he realizes that he has everything he needs to build a small raft to help him reach the other side.  So, he diligently gathers logs, leaves, vines, and mud, and fashions a raft that will float him across the river.  When the raft is complete, the man drags it to the bank of the river, climbs atop, and using his hands and feet, paddles himself to the other side of the river to safety.   

Imagine that you are this man, and you have just paddled yourself across the river to the banks of safety.  What is it that you will do next?  Do you bring your raft with you and carry it across your back, thinking to yourself, “This raft has served me so well in the past, and I am rather fond of it.  I will be so happy to have it, should I need it again”?  Or, do you lay the raft down gratefully and leave it behind, thinking, “This raft has served me so well.  I am so fortunate to have been able to use it!  Should I need it again, I now know that I have everything I need to build another one”?

…Most of us would agree that the second option is the wisest.  While it would be nice to have a raft should we need it in the future, we see that it would be rather cumbersome to carry the raft with us and that doing so would undoubtedly slow us down as we continue on our journey.  And, we have learned, much like the man in our story, that there is no need to burden ourselves with things such as this raft, because we do indeed carry with us everything we need to continue on our path, no matter what it is that we encounter. 

So, as you journey into 2013, I encourage you to take inventory of yourself and your “belongings”.  As you do so, remember that most things, like the raft, are meant to be used to “cross over”, rather than to be carried with us.  

-El

This Christmas

Once again, Christmas is upon us, and many of us are finding ourselves immersed in holiday cheer and excitement, magical festivities, heartwarming traditions, and the sheer goodness that seems to accompany the holiday season.

Each year, as I begin preparing for the holidays, I ask my children to write a letter to Santa Claus. In their letters, they of course take care to include their holiday wish list. This year, my four year-old daughter asked Santa for the following things:

1. A kitten (brand new)

2. Someone to come out of the TV (maybe Dora and Diego)

3. A huge motorcycle machine that drives me off in pretty clothes

4. To slide down a rainbow

5. To climb a mountain

6. A make-up party

7. Sticky gloves to stick on the walls and climb the ceiling

8. Run super-fast in the really far woods

9. My own money. That is pink

10. A phone that I call someone for real

11. A brand new costume that is everything

…Fortunately for Santa and I, her list included thirteen additional items that are a bit more feasible in terms of holiday gift-giving, while my ten year-old son created a list of five items, such as Legos and DS games, that he would like to receive from Santa Claus. To be fair, I asked my husband to do the same, and after several days of deliberation, he was able to think of one thing that he would like for Christmas. I, on the other hand, am still thinking of something tangible that I would like to receive this year.

As I reviewed my family’s wish lists, I could not help but to reflect upon the experience of Christmas, and the transformation it undergoes as we mature. As four year-olds, we are much like my daughter. We are in awe of the magical wonderland that is Christmas, believing in such beautiful things as the selfless charity of a timeless old man, the flight of his eight tiny reindeer, and the possibility of even our wildest dreams coming true. As we grow older, however, it seems that we slowly lose touch with this fantastical side of ourselves. Instead, we gravitate toward things that are more realistic in nature, more tangible, and less whimsical. We forgo our imagination, intuition, and creativity in favor of relying on our logic, reason, and practicality, and before we know it, we have become immersed in a reality that reflects our idled dreams. Our Christmas, then, is no longer a time of magic and wonder. Rather, it has become a time of hustle, bustle, stuff, and stress.

Of course, I fully recognize that at least some part of ourselves must operate in the realistic realm. However, I do encourage you to adopt your inner four year-old this season, and rediscover the magic of Christmas and the beauty of your every-day life.

-El