Compassion

If you have ever been a part of a relationship, I am willing to bet that you have also found yourself amidst an internal struggle that is, at least in part, due to something that has happened within that relationship. Something that was confusing, hurtful, or upsetting. Something that was difficult to let go of, move on from, or understand. As such, I am willing to bet that whatever it was that had caused you discomfort has also had a lasting impact on you in some meaningful way. Perhaps it has influenced how you approach people. Perhaps it taught you a valuable lesson. Perhaps it shaped you in some other meaningful way, for better or for worse. Rarely do we make it through such things without an impact being made.

Because of this, it comes as no surprise that such lesson can be quite difficult to learn. That we may be rendered incapable of embracing a lesson until we are capable of approaching the situation from an entirely different perspective. A perspective that does not focus on the hurt and is instead driven by a compassionate empathy for all that are involved. A perspective that allows us to let go of what may otherwise hard to set free.

When you take a moment to think about the implications of approaching painful circumstance in such a loving way, it is no wonder that many of us undergo a transformation of sorts as we move forward. It is no wonder that we also begin to soften, forgive, and let go of that which has hurt us in the past. I say that this is no wonder, because I believe that when we are able to approach another human being from a point of compassion, we begin to see life through their eyes, instead of through our own, and in doing so, we often gain a better understanding of their true intentions and greater insight into their deeper experiences. Rather than being convinced that we have been hurt by their selfishness or deceit, we may see instead that they were driven by another force entirely. Or, rather than looking down upon them with disappointment, judgment, or condemnation, we may soften our gaze and realize that they are coming from a place that we otherwise may not understand.

And of course, as I say this, please understand that I do not mean to minimize any pain that has been experienced, nor excuse any wounds that have been inflicted. I only mean to say that it does seem to feel better, and therefore take us farther, when we are able to invest in love and compassion and allow our pain to be transformed, rather than submerge ourselves in negative and destructive emotions.

So today, if you find yourself revisiting a painful relationship, I challenge you to consider the alternative perspective. Attempt to understand what may otherwise be unfathomable. Reject the victim mentality and let go of blame. Instead, hold fast to your optimism in humankind and have faith in what you believe to be good.

 

-El

Pause.

Consider this passage from the book, “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach.

 “In the 1950s a few highly trained pilots in the U.S Air Force were given the task of flying at altitudes higher than ever attempted.  Going beyond the earth’s denser atmosphere, they found, much to their horror, that the ordinary laws of aerodynamics no longer existed…a plane could skid into a flat spin…and tumble end over end towards the earth.

 “The first pilots to face this challenge responded by frantically trying to stabilize their planes… The more furiously they manipulated the controls, the wilder the ride became.  Screaming helplessly to the ground control, “What do I do next?” they would plunge to their deaths.

 “This tragic drama occurred several times until one of the pilots inadvertently struck upon a solution.  When his plane began tumbling, he was thrown violently around the cockpit and knocked out.  Unconscious, he plummeted toward earth.  Seven miles later, the plane reentered the planet’s denser atmosphere, where standard navigation strategies could be implemented.  He came to, steadied the craft and landed safely.  He had discovered the only lifesaving response that was possible in this desperate situation: Don’t do anything… Take your hands off the controls…It counters all training and even basic survival instincts,…but it works.”

 We have all been there, in one way or another.  We have all faced a situation in life that has literally thrown us for a loop, brought us to our knees, or knocked the very wind from our sails.  We have all experienced some situation in life that we simply have not known what to do.

When we are faced with such circumstances, it is quite natural to do everything we can to control the situation.  But imagine for a second what it would be like to deliberately take our hands off the controls.  To interrupt our normal patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing, and instead take a moment to pause and observe what is going in our surroundings and inside of ourselves.

And while taking our hands off the controls certainly does not solve all of our problems, it does suspend time just long enough to  gaze inward instead of outward, and re-evaluate where we are, who we are, and what is happening in the deepest, most intimate parts of our hearts and souls.

When we take a moment to pause, we may not know what will happen next, but we open ourselves to subtle messages, new possibilities, and potential clarity.  We develop the capacity to stop running, hiding, controlling, and camouflaging, and instead accept our immediate inner experiences.

Ultimately, we open ourselves to who, what, and where we really are…at that moment.

Now and then, considering giving yourself permission to take your hands off the controls.  Find the power of the pause, and observe what is going on inside of yourself.  Accept the experience that you discover, and learn, most of all, something from it. 

-El

School!

With September quickly approaching, many of us are experiencing that shift of energy that accompanies the start of each school year.  We begin thinking about wrapping up the summer and transitioning into fall.  We begin to make arrangements for ourselves and our children, readjust our lives, and prepare for the first day of school and the excitement that follows. 

As we get caught up in the excitement of the school year, however, we often feel ourselves getting overwhelmed.  We stress ourselves out about practicalities, tending to the planning, the details of activities, the logistics of schedules, and the added responsibility of schoolwork, and we forget to take a moment to slow down and gaze at the bigger picture.  We forget about the softer side of things, and overlook the emotions the often accompany the transition in to school. 

It can be so easy to forget to check in with our children and ask them how they feel about the impending school year. We often assume that because our young ones have a backpack full of supplies, new clothes in their closets, and shiny shoes on their feet, they have everything needed to start the school year.   We like to consider them prepared because they have attended the open house, met their teachers, and memorized their schedules.  Or because our kids know where their lockers are located, they are ready to roam the halls of middle school.  It can be so natural to allow the anticipation and excitement of senior year to overshadow the anxiety and fear of graduating.  Likewise, we often tend to assume that our college students are prepared for the reality they are about to encounter, and perhaps most often, we forget that parents of school-aged children and empty-nesters are handling the adjustment with ease. 

Yet, in truth, true school readiness is so much more than material things, basic skills, and partial truths.  Of course it is true that academic performance and effort is important in school, but school is so much more than that.  True it is classwork, assignments, concentration, and organization.  But to succeed as students, our children must also feel supported by their parents and their teachers.  They must have food in their bellies, adequate sleep, and the ability to manage their emotions.  They must feel a sense of belonging amongst their peers and be able to work in teams.  They must have at least some sense of self, problem-solving skills, and perspective.  Similarly, they must be equipped with coping skills, stress management techniques, and resilience. 

Unfortunately, though, it is all too easy to overlook the importance of such survival skills.  Or perhaps more commonly, such skills are difficult to teach and are therefore not adequately addressed.  Because of this, these intangible assets often fall lower on our list of priorities than they really should.  And while it is admittedly difficult for parents to instill such traits in our children and feel confident in their ability to do so, it is paramount to their well-being, happiness, and success. 

This year, parents and support people, I encourage you to take extra care as you prepare your children for the 2012-2013 school year.  As you tend to the preparations and details of school readiness, ensure that you also tend to the full spectrum of your child’s needs.  Remember that as one part of system, collaboration is crucial.  Check in with young ones regularly, encourage them to express their concerns, remain involved in their lives, and support them as they embark on this year’s journey. 

-El

A Reason, A Season

There once was a man who wanted to teach his four sons a valuable lesson: He wanted them to learn how to refrain from passing judgment too quickly. So with this lesson in mind, he sent each of them on a separate quest with the same goal. Each of his sons was to travel, in turn, a great distance to a far off pear tree he knew of. He helped each of them prepare for their journeys, and sent them on their way, one by one.

His oldest son was instructed to go first. He left after the first snow fall, and returned just before spring. The second son embarked on his journey shortly after the arrival of his brother,and returned early summer. The third son left promptly thereafter and was gone for the duration of the summer. The fourth son finally took his turn that autumn,and returned just before winter.

Once all four sons were gathered back home after their journey, their father called them together to describe what they had seen. The first son, who had traveled to the pear tree during the winter, said that the tree was ugly, twisted, and lifeless. The second son, who had been gone that spring, disagreed. He said that the tree was covered with green buds and was full of promise. The third son, who had seen the tree in the summer, said that it was laden with sweet smelling blossoms, and he described it as the most graceful thing he had ever seen. The fourth son disagreed yet again; he said that the tree was bountiful, drooping with fruit, and full of life and fulfillment.

After listening to his sons, the man explained that each of them was right, as they had seen only one season of the tree’s entire life. He asked his sons to imagine what the tree had looked like during the other seasons of its life. How it had looked when it was just a sapling, and what it might look like when it is twisted and old. The man told his sons that they cannot just a tree by only one season. That the essence of that tree, and all that it is has offered in its lifetime, can only be measured when all its seasons have passed.

And so it is with people, is it not? Quite often, we judge ourselves and others too quickly. We base our perceptions on just one season out of many. Too often, we conclude that “what we see (now) is what we (will always) get”. And this is not true. Like the pear tree, we humans have many seasons that we are continuously cycling through. We each experience the harsh resilience of winter, the promise of spring, the beauty of summer, and the fulfillment of autumn. Yet, if we are to judge ourselves too quickly and only acknowledge one season, we lose site of the true meaning and value behind the bigger picture.

-El

Resources!

Many of us have been through a difficult time at some point in our lives. And many of us were fortunate enough to have come across a resource or two that helped us out.

Wings of Hope is compiling a resource list for such trying times, and we would very much APPRECIATE any recommendations that you can give us!

Think: Books, Videos, Websites, Groups, Agencies, People. You name it! If it helped you, tell us about it.

Once there was an elderly carpenter who was preparing to retire. He had been in the industry for many years, and while he was once quite talented and passionate about is work, he no longer felt fulfilled by his career and knew that it was time to make a change. So, he went to work one day and told his employer of his plans to leave the business in pursuit of a more leisurely life.

Of course, the employer was sorry to see this accomplished worker go, but he understood the change he sought and he wished him well on this new chapter of his life. Before bidding him his final farewell, however, the employer asked the old builder that he build one more home as a personal favor home to him. The carpenter agreed to grant him this request and slowly began working on his last project. Over time, though, it became apparent that his heart was not in his work: he dreaded coming to work each morning, he often left early, and he resorted to shoddy workmanship. Even the employer was saddened to watch him work, as it was a very unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.

When the carpenter had finally finished his work, he called his employer to inspect the house. After thoroughly reviewing the home, the employer handed the key to the front door to the carpenter and said, “My friend, you are a fine builder and a prize employee. This home is yours. It is my gift to you!”

The carpenter was shocked. “What a shame!” he thought. Had he only known that he was building his own retirement home, he would have done it all so differently. He would have cared more about the outcome.

And so it is in real life, is it not? We are the carpenters, and each day we build our lives, one day at a time, often putting less than our best effort into our work. And then, with great shock and regret, we realize that we must live in the house that we have built for ourselves. We look back at our work and wish that we would have been more diligent. We think to ourselves, “If only I had known, I would have done it so differently.”

But, of course, we cannot go back. Instead, we must live in the homes that we have built for ourselves. We must carry on and learn to appreciate and find beauty in even our shabbiest work, and perfect our skill with each project. This thing called life is a do-it-yourself project, and the choices we make today is what lays the foundation and builds upon our homes of tomorrow.

El

Resistance Makes the Heart Grow Stronger

Fun fact:  I almost never remember my dreams.  However, when I do, I am usually in flight.  Ever since I was quite young, in fact, my preferred mode of transportation while dreaming has been flying.  I had not thought much about this dream-theme of mine until I studied dream analysis in college and learned that dream flying is considered the perfect metaphor for living the soul’s longing, or life purpose.  Upon learning that, I did a forehead slap and thought to myself, “Duh!”  The symbolism is unmistakable:  For many, flight is associated with freedom, ascension, exhilaration, and peace.  Yet, not ironically, many of us have a fear of flying.  The idea of free-falling, losing control, letting go, and most obviously, the hard landing is incredibly frightening.  The metaphor still holds true, does it not? 

And so it is with fulfilling our life purpose, for doing so involves navigating obstacles, conquering incredible feats, and then making a conscious choice to evolve and grow.  Living out our soul’s longing means choosing the challenge of change over the difficulty of remaining the same while conquering fear and overcoming resistance every step of the way. 

If you have ever set out to accomplish something meaningful, you will know that resistance is an inescapable part of the journey.  And if you are anything like the rest of us, you have likely experienced resistance as an adversary.  And this was likely so because you did not understand your resistance well enough to make it your ally.  You tried to avoid, persist, and resist, rather than carry on with intention, commitment, surrender, and trust.  Because resistance really is nothing but a form of fear and insecurity, we are much better off examining it with self-awareness and honesty, getting to know it, and thus better understanding ourselves.  For the sooner we are able to do that, the sooner we are able to live out our higher aspirations. 

So in practice, what can we do about the resistance we experience?  We can start by being mindful of all the big and little things that distract us and slow us down as we set out to do the things that our hearts are telling us to do.  Notice when you procrastinate, when you make excuses, when you are highly defended, and take note of the things that you worry about.  Likewise, acknowledge any patterns that you discover, the limitations you perceive, and the strength of your resistance, and remember that most often, the greater the resistance surrounding a particular longing, the more important it likely is.

As you make a habit of examining your resistance and get comfortable with it, you will become increasingly aware and empowered to move beyond these distractions and forge ahead into the creative and authentic territory of your soul.  With more and more ease, you will bring your mind, body, and spirit into alignment and make decisions during each and every moment that support your higher purpose.  And ultimately, you will feel at home with yourself as you fly, and live a life of conviction, intention, and peace. 

-El