What are you so afraid of?

Several weeks ago, in my yoga study, I was given the assignment to journal and reflect on the connection between love and fear.  Our homework began with the task of taking note of the what we are afraid of as well as the things that we love.  We were reminded that our feelings of fear and love come in many forms:  our fear may be experienced as fright, anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity, while love may be expressed as demonstrations of emotional investment, passion, fondness, or true love itself.  After mindfully noting such emotions, we were instructed to analyze our feelings to decipher what exactly our attachment is, with the intention of detaching just a bit, and thus gaining a new perspective on life or a deeper understanding ourselves. 

This assignment is based on the theory that fear and love are the only basic emotions that we feel, and everything else stems from them:  greed stems from a fear of lacking, anger from a fear of perceived threat, humor stems from a love of the lighthearted, joy stems from a fulfilled love of some sort, and so on.  And while you may or may not agree with this theorizing, my homework showed me that there is a definite connection between love and fear.  That every single day we experience some kind of love.  Likewise, each and every day we encounter something that we fear.    

…If you take a moment to think about what that means for you personally, you will likely discover that there is a connection for you as well.  And as you see fear as an attachment to something you love, you may also find that fear itself is not be so scary after all.  Of course, there are plenty frightening things that may or may exist, that may or may not happen to us in our lives, but fear itself is nothing more than a feeling.  It is just one of many emotions that we may feel at any given time.  It is natural, it is okay, and it is useful.  Fear is always looking out for our best interest.  It demands our attention, warning us of potential threats, and it guides us toward safety and security. 

However, because fear is just an emotion, and it is just like the rest of them, it is up to us to be aware of our feelings, prioritize them, and act on those that best serve our higher purpose, even in the face of fear so that we do not become its prisoner.   So when we feel frightened, what might we do?  It seems to me that before we do anything, we should slow down and acknowledge our fear.  Really examine it.  Take note of it has to say, and ask ourselves if that is worth listening to or if we are better off ignoring it.  And then, we can make one of two choices.  We can choose to do what fear tells us to do, at the risk of doing nothing.  Or, we can remember the words of Franklin Roosevelt, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself,” and call upon our courage and act anyway.

-El 

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

As the old adage goes, “You can’t make a square peg fit in a round hole.”  Most of us know exactly what this saying means:  You cannot force something (or most often, someone) to be something that it is not.  We cannot make a square peg  fit any better into a round hole by thinking that the hole should be square or wanting the peg to be round.  Instead, we are much better suited to focus on and tend to what actually is, rather than wasting our precious resources fretting about the way things should or should not be.  And while most of us would agree with this reasoning, it is certainly easier said than done. 

When we are honest with ourselves and examine how we view the world, the majority of us would have to admit that we have a relatively clear idea of how things should be.  Whether we are talking about ourselves, other people, the ways of the world, or something different entirely, it seems that we all have some kind of definition of what should and should not be happening.  We have our ideals, our beliefs, and our way of making sense of the world, and it reasonably follows that we would like to live in a world that supports our views.    

And I think this is quite natural.  As humans, it is natural to have personal preferences and aversions.  It is even natural to want things to be “our way”.  To see the world through our very own eyes.  To have a few expectations here and there.  To have a compass of sorts, that helps guide us toward betterment, as we see fit.

And while this may be entirely natural, and even beneficial, it is not always in our best interest.  For when we become attached to our ideals and fixate on the way that things should be in favor of how things really are, we become frustrated and upset.  We might even pass unfair judgments based on our biased perspectives and unmet expectations.  As we cling to how things should be, we project them onto the world at large.  And when that happens, we react to what we think should exist, rather than acknowledging what actually does.  And this, of course, sets us up for further disappointment. 

However, when are able to detach from these “should bes” and take the world as it is, in a more objective light, we are better able to accept and respond to life as it truly is.  Instead of being obscured by ideals, we understand the facts.  Rather than focusing on what is missing, or what we would like to find, we deal with what is actually present.  And this is empowering, because it helps us clarify and illuminate what is within our power to change, and what is not.  And that is what allows us to integrate our ideals with our reality, live in the here and now, and interact with life as fully as possible. 

-El

When Worst Comes to Worst

This week’s column is about a term that I like to refer to as “horrible-izing”.  If you are not familiar with the idea of horrible-izing, it can be defined as one’s tendency to focus on the worst of things.   For example, a person may be engaging in the act of horrible-izing if they overemphasize the negative side of life  Likewise, those that horrible-ize are those that ruminate, worry about worst possible outcomes, the dreaded “what ifs”, and tend to view undesirable situations as the “end of the world”. 

If we are honest with ourselves, most of us must admit that we horrible-ize from time to time, particularly when we are feeling anxious about an upcoming situation or a troublesome circumstance that we have encountered.  We fall into the trap of thinking about how badly things might go, how awful it would be for us if these events actually occurred, and we forget to take it one step further and consider what we might actually do  should these things really take place.  We might even get so wrapped up in our anxiety that we begin to worry that our life will be forever altered in some catastrophic way. 

If you would, take a moment to think about something in your life that is upsetting, anxiety-provoking, or unsettling.  Perhaps you are facing a transition in a relationship and you are unsure of how to move forward.  Perhaps you have committed yourself to something that is a significant undertaking.  Perhaps you have recently encountered a situation in life that you are unsure of how to handle.  Or, perhaps, you tend to experience smaller triggers on a more regular basis and you have become accustomed to feeling reactive, tightly wound, or shaken up. Or, perhaps something entirely different has come to mind

Regardless of what you thought of, I would like you to think about how you think about those things.  Take a minute or two and horrible-ize.  Think about the worst of the worst, no matter what that may be. 

Then, take note of what came to mind.  I am willing to bet that you stopped short at the worst case scenario and you went no further.  If that is the case, I would like to challenge you to change your thinking.  Rather than focusing on the bad things that could happen and stopping there, take one step beyond and imagine how you might live through and overcome such an obstacle.  Instead of obsessing about the possibility of something bad happening, ask yourself how probable it is that your worries come true.  Ask yourself if this is something that you could live through, and if so, how would life look?  Would it be that bad? 

Finally, compare these two thought processes and decide for yourself which one you would rather invest your energies in to.  Take into account that “what we think about, we bring about”, and remember that your thoughts and your perspective on life will always be your choice.   

-El

When Things Aren't Adding Up...

“When things aren’t adding up in life, it is time to start subtracting.”

I came across this quote a few weeks ago, and was struck by how much it resonated with me.  As I reflected on the simplicity of the quote and what it means to me personally, I realized that I have lived my entire adult life in a state of perpetual action.  As I apply this quote to myself and the numerous aspects of my very busy life, I see that I am quite good at adding, I do rather well at maintaining, but rarely do I subtract.  It is no wonder that my life does not always add up. 

I imagine, readers, that the majority of you can relate to what I have described.  I would imagine that you are no strangers to the busy-ness of life.  That the feeling of being spread out too thin is one that you know rather well.  That you have described yourself as feeling stressed, exhausted, or overwhelmed at some point in the recent past.  And if you can identify with these feelings in one way or another, I would also imagine that you can relate to the quote that began this column.  That there are times in your life when things just are not adding up for you.  That there are times when you need to subtract. 

And yet, even if you can relate to these feelings, the idea of subtracting can be a difficult one to employ.  After all, we apply ourselves to the things that we do because we care about them in some meaningful way.  Because we have a vested interest in them.  Because we have made a promise to someone, or we feel a sense of personal commitment or responsibility to the people involved or the outcome at stake.  Because we feel driven by a sense of obligation, pressure, or guilt to do what is expected of us. And because of these contrasting feelings, it is natural for us to be unsure of even where to begin or to resist the idea of subtraction all together, despite our need for a more simplified life. 

So as you reflect on today’s quote and what it means to you personally, I encourage you to think about how you might simplify your own life.  As you take an inventory of what you give yourself to, consider also what you get back from those things.  Which areas of your life fill you up in some meaningful way?  And conversely, which areas tend to be more taxing, or stress-inducing, than they are fulfilling?  What areas of your life do you feel that you can or cannot live without?  And what might be able to live without you?  How you might you feel with “less” in your life, and what would you do with that time and energy?  How might other aspects of your life benefit from a more wholehearted investment of yourself? 

As you consider these questions and reflect on the value of a more simplified life, I hope that the answers you discover are simple in and of themselves, and I hope that they offer you gentle guidance toward a more simplified yet rewarding life. 

-El

Power to the People

Before you read any further, I’d like you to take a moment and consider what the word power means to you.  When you think of these words, perhaps you think of something or someone that has authority or control over something or someone else.  Maybe you think of something or someone that is influential or impactful in some way.  Or perhaps, instead, your definition of these words is more along the lines of manipulation or domination.  When you think of power, do you tend to associate its traits with other people, or might you also think of the power that things, habits, behaviors, and ideals can have?

As you reflect on what this word means to you, I challenge you to also think about what has power in your life.  Are there certain people that have an especially powerful impact on you?  People that have the power to influence how you feel and what you do?  Do you find yourself concerned with what people might think about you, or how you compare to societal standards?  What kind of a relationship do you have with common objects, such as money, food, and alcohol?  Do they serve as a simple means to an end, or do you have an emotional attachment to such things?  How reactive or avoidant are you to strong emotions or stressful situations?  Perhaps none of these examples resonate with you and there is something else that has a powerful presence in your life.  Or, perhaps not.  Perhaps you are truly your own keeper. 

Power, in and of itself, is a dynamic that is neither positive nor negative.  However, power does receive value when we let it influence our lives in some meaningful way.  If we give our power way to people and things outside of ourselves, we surrender a part of ourselves to them.  In contrast, we maintain our personal power when we are able to have a relationship with external things without being controlled by them. 

As you think about your personal definition of power today and reflect on what has power in your life, I encourage you to rethink your relationship with those things if it is no longer serving your higher purpose.  Remember that no thing can have power over you if you do not submit a part of yourself to it, and that empowerment, encouragement, and liberation are far more powerful forces than domination, oppression, control, or authority.  And finally, remember that true freedom lies not in being free to do whatever you wish, but in freeing your mind, your heart, and your true self from negative limitations and constraints so that you may embrace authenticity, peace, and a more harmonious life.      

-El

How You Doin'?

“How are you?” is such a simple question.  It is a question that most of us both inquire and answer every day.  In fact, this question is rather reflexive for most:  we use it as a greeting, a formality, even a habit.  And, quite often, we answer this question in a similar manner.  We partake in “how are you” exchanges so many times a day that we don’t even realize how often we use it.  In a sense, we we’ve become desensitized, and as a result, we do not pay attention what we say and hear on a daily basis. 

Take a moment and think about how many times you have heard that one little question just today.  How many times have you asked this question, and how did you go about doing so?  Was it a form of hello or a quick exchange?  And how intentionally was it asked?  Did you listen to the answer?  If you have been asked “how are you?” today, what was your reply? 

I am willing to bet that these exchanges were positive, impersonal, and brief.  Perhaps you cannot even recall the specifics of such interactions.  It seems that we often don’t listen to the answers people supply to this question, nor do we expect to hear an answer that is substantial or boldly honest. 

So what would like it be like, then, if someone asked, “how ARE you?”  How would you feel if someone took the time to investigate exactly how you are holding up?  What might it be like for you if someone expressed a genuine interest in your feelings, your well-being, the current events of your life?  What might you think if someone would not accept a “fine, thanks” for an answer and insisted that you must have something more to say, and they would like to hear more about it.  Of course, it is a social norm to keep our inquiries and disclosures short and sweet, but wouldn’t it be nice if we took the time to show a more genuine concern and curiosity for one another’s well-being?  Wouldn’t it be nice if we created more opportunities to invite others to engage in such a way? 

It is my hope for you that you have people in your life that will take part that will take part in this meaningful exchange, for it implies that you are fortunate enough to have sincerity in your life.  It illustrates the consideration, concern, and lovingkindness that you have with your loved ones.  It demonstrates care, and that assumptions, formalities, and cover-ups are not being made, and that you feel invited and secure enough to talk about your experiences. 

Today, I encourage you to ask “how are you?”  in a different way.  Seek out a real answer and really consider what you hear.  Take a bit of time to show your friends how much you care, how much they are loved.  Break your own habits and dare to tell someone how you really are.  Give someone a chance to lend you an ear.  If you can, connect in this way, and I think you will be surprised by what you hear and learn about your loved ones, as well as what you share about yourself. 

-El

Hakuna Matata

Consider this:  What if we had no past?  What if we were only operating with our short-term memory, and we woke up each and every morning, only to deal with the day that we have opened our eyes to?  What if we lived each day without the memories of yesterday, or the distraction of tomorrow?  Can you imagine how life might be different for you if you treated each day, and everything that it presents, as something entirely new?

Time and time again, we have been told to live in the present moment, as fully we are able.  We are told to learn what we can from the past, to accept it, and to let it go.  Likewise, we are told that there is no sense in worrying about the future, that tomorrow will take care of itself, that we should let it unfold as it may.  And so this is true.

Most of us, it seems, are able to learn about ourselves and the world around us because of the things that we have lived through.  We are continuously transforming and evolving, being molded not only by our past, but also by how we relate to it.  In a sense, our past is something to be grateful for, no matter what is looks like, because it has helped create both who we are and the lives that we are living today.

Yet, spending too much time in the past can be a problem.  When we relive each struggle, open each wound, and recount each moment of pain, we inhibit ourselves from moving on to more positive things.  Similarly, we run the risk of underappreciating the beauty that we have when we cling to our glory days and compare our present state to the times that we remember with longing.  Living in the past in such a way is a hindrance because it removes us from the here and now.  It makes us miss out on what is happening in our lives today.  And it may prevent us from enjoying things as they currently are, healing hurts that have happened to us in the past, and avoiding those that may be coming in the future. 

Because our pasts are a part of us, it does matter.  But perhaps it does not matter as much as we may think.  Perhaps if we let go of some of our hurts and spend a little less time with the things that no longer need our attention, we may be better able to heal and grow, and tend to the things that need our attention in the here and now.  Perhaps if we bring our awareness away from what has already happened, we may open up to this moment and fully embrace what is yet to come. 

-El